This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
