This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.