This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
two people or more is called a problem
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Just parrot things
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.