this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
