this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My work here is done
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
