this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Thursday Thought.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
