this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon