*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Tell the colonel to bring it
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend