This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

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Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.


Why girls want to be mermaids
1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra


No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.


I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government


Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.


My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.


[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot


me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally