@SaltyCorpse

This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

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@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

@edana_irish

Why girls want to be mermaids
1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra

@bees_wingz

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@Home_Halfway

People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@just1fool

My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@iwearaonesie

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally