Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Happy Taco Tuesday

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.