This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice