Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

ACED my prostate exam!

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.