This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
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$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
good work, everybody
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”