Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

first you must answer his riddles

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”