This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
