This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
You Might Also Like
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.