This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.


[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent


The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.


Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?


What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?


“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”


My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.


Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed