@novicefather

This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

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@slimpickins_

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

@totalwackjob

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

@sweetmomissa

X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend

@greg_vee

If I’d know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I’d have spread them out a little more.

@English_Channel

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

@AdamUrbane

Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.

@leshnevsky

– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.