This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.


My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…


X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend


If I’d know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I’d have spread them out a little more.


me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?



ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days


Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.


– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?


Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.