This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Just this preview of the story is enough
🐟✨ #re4
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.