Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Favourite diary entry ever

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

*controversially pours a glass of milk*