This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…