This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”