Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”