This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
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If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.