This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT