Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident