Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

Brilliant!

when a toddler tells a story

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub