This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.