This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects