Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that