This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
#Caturday
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.