This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Moms. The original autocorrect.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
the answer was staring at me all along
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.