This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Whoa… oh I see lol
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73