This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Lmfao
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*