This guy must be getting annoyed by now
You Might Also Like
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Weirdos gonna weird.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.