This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.