Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.