Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.