This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
This squirrel eats better than I do
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis