This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
That time Alicia messaged me
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you