Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

The Book. The Movie.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.