This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.