Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

This week’s mood.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”