Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Eggs benadryl my favourite

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.