Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced