Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Sharon, call the vet