Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.