This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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PARKOUR
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
do horses think humans are hats
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.