Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Its true…

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

shampoo implies shampee

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.