A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
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In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.