Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.