Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

True

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.