Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.