Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”