This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
In Russia, the cold complains about you.