This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Me if I was a dog
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it