Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

#Caturday

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.