This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Windows
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.