This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Good point.
