Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?