This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.