Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Today’s tshirt

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

bags with threatening auras

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.