Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball