Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.