Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

So inspired right now.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.