Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.