Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

79.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty