This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence