Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Nomnomnomnom

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

serving silly goose instead of turkey

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Netflix My bladder

🤝

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