This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
2022: I can fix it
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
sometimes we need to be reminded
