Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

won’t smith

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

Very good! 👍😂

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.