Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.