This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.


Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?


Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.


Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.


It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*


Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.


“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods


Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around