You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around