[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here–
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: –we’re gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?