@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

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@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

@UncleDuke1969

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@VanGobot

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

@fro_vo

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

@hurlarious

Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate

@sixfootcandy

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

@Xoolun

When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*