@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

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@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

@lunchmane

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

@Bob_Heller

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@TragicAllyHere

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

@Purple_whipped

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

@deelizabeth_

Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here–
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: –we’re gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens

@ToxicProbably

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

@LuvPug

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?