This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
LOL!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Room with a view.