@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

You Might Also Like

@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@Lhlodder

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@AimeeHelene1

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

@GreenishDuck

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@SortaBad

Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around