Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.